How We Can Put Down Our 'Stuff' to Maintain Perspective + Stay Present on the Sidelines
It was another wild weekend of divide and conquer hockey — which for me meant rare quality time with my twins while my husband ventured to the opposite side of New England with Bigs + Littlest.
I’ve still yet to master the caring-while-not-caring-so-much approach that a lot of us sports parents get tangled up in. I’ll be the first to admit it.
Which is why I put down the judgement for the dad who screamed at the ref for a missed call — and got thrown out of a 10U hockey game.
Without a bit of space between stimulus and response, that guy could be any of us.
I’d be willing to guess most of us KNOW that coaching from the stands is not helpful,
nor is shouting at the refs…
and yet, we there we sit, bundled in all the layers,
with words emerging from our mouths that don’t quite reflect that knowing.
What gives?
I have many thoughts.
I haven’t met a parent/caretaker yet who intentionally wants to show up with below the line behavior that piles on to the pressure and/or pain their child is experiencing.
I haven’t met a parent/caretaker yet who intentionally wants to burden their child with unprocessed pain from their past so much so that their child departs sport altogether.
Maybe there are parents out there who move through the world in this way and I just haven’t met them yet. It’d be easy to jump to that conclusion based on behaviors I’ve witnessed even just this year alone:
Parents yelling at refs. Coaches yelling at refs.
What’s not talked about (ever) is refs yelling at kids + coaches (yes, this actually has happened more than once).
Parents coaching their kids from the sidelines. Parents yelling and cussing at kids on other team.
Parents yelling and cussing at each other. Parents encouraging penalties. Parents dumping their emotions onto their kids.
These behaviors are not OK.
Not only are they not OK, they are harming our kids.
Thing is - shaming parents isn’t the answer.
I see so many memes and posts that shame parents — without a lot (or any) suggestions for what we can DO with the “stuff” we’ve got swirling through our bodies.
We need a shift.
We need to learn HOW to create space between stimulus and response. We need to learn HOW to put down our “stuff” so we can maintain perspective and stay present on the sidelines.
[And we need to be willing to do the hard things that are required for both.]
If behavior is a window into our inner world -
What if instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you that you’d behave that way?” — we asked: “What’s happening for you right now?”
For deeper reflection: “What’s happened to you that might elicit such a strong, disproportionate reaction?”
It’s not just hyperbole to say we’ve lost our mind. I think inside that expression, there is truth.
We all have stuff. All of us.
It’s not a matter of if that stuff is impacting our minds + how we see the world and respond (or react) to things, it’s a matter of how, and whether or not we’re aware of it and have tools to bring back balance.
// my stuff //
This weekend, in the game following the one with the dad who got ejected, J (one of my twins) got knocked down by a huge, illegal hit. She was down for a min or two. (Felt like 100.) She was out from Nov - Jan with a pretty severe concussion, so my first thoughts centered around her head. As my thoughts swirled rapid-fire, my body instantly starting shivering; my perspective narrowed. I wanted to pick her up, grab her twin sister and get out of there.
Hello, fight/flight response.
(Which means my brain + body did what brains + bodies do.)
When we’re in these spaces we lose touch with logic and our higher level thinking.
The arena — a GAME of hockey.
Before I knew if she was OK (she got the wind knocked out of her, no head injury), I walked by the penalty box where the player who hit her sat — and I could feel the mama bear energy coursing through my body.
The urge to discharge the discomfort that was SWIRLING inside of me was real.
When we’re in these spaces, doing so might bring temporary relief; we have to ask ourselves: at what cost? What would I be modeling for my kids when they feel hijacked by their emotion?
This is a 10yo boy I was waking by - a boy with a mother like me, out there rooting for her son. A boy with a mom who made it a point to apologize to J after the game and check in to see if she was OK.
Our emotions are internal messengers; they are not dictators.
When we learn how to surf the waves of the emotions, we can stay in the CEO seat of our lives - and show up with behavior that’s aligned with our core values.
I try my best to step into the caring-while-not-caring-so-much space by grounding, literally pushing my feet into the ground; taking big, deep belly breaths; by carrying rocks in my pockets; and by cheering encouraging words like:
YOU’VE GOT THIS.
When I’m feeling regulated and soothed internally, that’s an easy task.
When I’m out of sorts — or it feels like the game is out of sorts (read: chippy rough play sends me spinning, for now!), it’s a TALL ORDER for me.
One simple tool: Breathe. BIG, deep belly breaths with extended exhales.
Another: Name it. Name it to tame it. Turning inward and naming what we’re feeling can help the higher level thinking part of the brain to come back online.
One more: Movement. I’ve been known to do triceps pushups and wall squats at hockey rinks across New England.
Our power is in the pause.
Before that it’s in taking care of ourselves so we have enough bandwidth to take that pause.
I choose to believe we are, at our core, good inside.
That doesn’t mean we don’t lose our way. That doesn’t mean we get it Right all the time. That doesn’t mean accountability is absent.
It means that we are human - doing the best we can with the resources we have at the time. And if, not when, our behavior falls short, it’s up to us to notice, repair, make amends and expand our skill set + supports so we can show up differently the next time.
It’s a work in progress here, too.
I’ve had to work at meeting myself with grace and kindness in this space, especially when I show up with below the line behavior (behavior that’s not in alignment with my core values). When I misstep, or lose my sh!t, the inner critic is quick to jump in and pile on, pointing out all the ways I’ve fallen short.
The stickiness of mistakes and missteps is a human thing — our brains are wired to look for what’s wrong. A gentle reminder to all of us to zoom out and give ourselves credit for what we are doing well. If there are places we feel like we’re falling short, we can repair and make amends, and use that as a launching pad for growth; it’s not a sign we aren’t enough.
What I know for sure: Meeting ourselves with kindness and grace in these moments is HOW we rise and shift out of the downward spiral.
And by doing so, we model growth mindset and the many lessons our kids are learning through the power + magic of sport.
Samantha Arsenault Livingstone is an Olympic gold medalist, performance consultant, keynote speaker and mental health advocate. In 2016, Samantha founded Livingstone High Performance and the Whole Athlete Initiative (the WAI) to disrupt the old-school model of mental toughness as the path to high achievement. LHP provides pillars of support to organizations, teams and individuals to elevate mental health and improve performance.
In addition to private coaching, Samantha consults with business leaders and teams on wellness initiatives, mindful leadership, emotional agility and developing high-performance cultures.
In 2022, Samantha + her team welcomed over 350 athletes, and where applicable their coaches, athletic trainers + athletic admins, into the LHP Athlete Academy + Mental Muscle Gym. The Academy + MMG provide the support + structure needed for athletes and teams to integrate the often neglected Mental Pillar into their day-to-day lives to cultivate greater levels of “true mental toughness.”
Samantha holds a maters in science education and is a certified instructor of Mental Health First Aid and a facilitator of Mindful Sports Performance Enhancement. She lives in New England with her husband Rob and their four daughters. To learn more about her offerings, go over to www.samanthalivingstone.com.