The Invisible Injury

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

- Dr. Maya Angelou

Snapped on old school film, a pic of me + my coach just moments after winning gold in Sydney. The culmination of a three and a half year effort to get to THIS moment. And we did it.

What you see in this photo is pure joy + relief and a whole lot of WE-EFFING-DID-IT. Together.

He believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. HOURS of work and so many sacrifices. He pushed me past what I thought was possible and cared about me as a human — that I know for sure.

What you can’t see captured here is the girl underneath the smile —

the one who was quietly nursing an injured shoulder;

the one who’s voice was silenced by the roars of an inner critic;

the one who just moments after winning it all would weaponize food and wage war with her body;

the one who was rumbling with the reality that no level of achievement — not even gold at the Olympics — was enough to eradicate the inner critic and protect her from pain;

the one who was falling into the darkness of Depression, an eating disorder and suicidal ideation;

the one who was battling invisible injuries.

Despite spending seven hours a day together, six days a week — her coach didn’t see her either.

And because of that, he unknowingly added to her suffering.

What I know now —

If he’d been trained to spot the signs + symptoms of mental illness, he could’ve Noticed.

If he’d been trained to know how to respond, he would’ve known what to say.

If he’d had access to the same level of mental health resources that he did for the technical + physical components of training, he would’ve known where to turn.

If the governing bodies of sport had promoted, acknowledged and recognized high-performing cultures - where greatness and health coexist - as the gold standard for human performance, he most likely would’ve aspired to create a similar one.

What I also know —

He missed signs and symptoms and contributed to my suffering. So did my parents.

The same is true for so many coaches + parents — even when they have the best intentions.

This isn’t about slinging blame.

Because the truth is - they were all doing the best they could with the resources they had. Blaming isn’t going to move this conversation forward.

And.

That doesn’t mean we excuse harmful behavior. That doesn’t mean we don’t move toward greater accountability.

We can strive for better. We can. We must.

Striving for better means making room for stories. It means opening our minds and hearts to a new way of doing things.

Eighteen years later, USA Swimming asked me to share my story at their annual convention in a session dedicated to mental health.

For the first time ever, I shared pictures of my logbooks and journal so those in the room could better understand the inner workings of my 18 year old mind - just a few days before and after winning gold.

Allowing myself to be seen in that way was truly one of the bravest things I’ve ever done.

Projected on the screen for all to see, the words of my inner critic captured in ink — reminding me of just how sick I really was. There for all to see. No more hiding.

Journal entry from Thursday, Sept 21, 2000 - one day after winning gold.

Following Brené Brown’s lead, I do not write or speak from an open wound. I consciously, mindfully chose to share for many reasons:

I shared for those in the room who battle their own inner critic - so they’d know they’re not broken nor alone.

I shared for those who’ve never navigated mental illness - so they may have greater empathy for those who do.

I shared because suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in this country for persons 10-34 and coaches, when trained, sit in a position to Notice.

I shared to illustrate that mental illness doesn’t discriminate - and that recovery is possible.

I also shared because the people in the room that day - coaches + officials + NGB leaders + BoD members + sports parents - held + continue to hold immense power to impact an athlete’s wellbeing.

Coaches. Parents: It’s not a question of if we’re making an impact; it’s a question of in what ways?

This isn’t about trying to become a perfect coach or parent - that’s not even a thing. We’re human. We’re going to fall short + fail + show up in ways we wish we hadn’t.

There’s no ‘Right Way’ that’s going to protect our kids from pain and struggle.

But don’t we want to know if we’re contributing to their struggle in some way?

There ARE evidence-based protective factors we can teach, model + weave into the fabric of our lives that have the power to reduce the number of mental health challenges our kids face.

We CAN learn how to spot signs and symptoms early.

We CAN learn how to mindfully respond and engage in hard conversations.

We know that early intervention is linked to higher levels of recovery + wellbeing.

We also know that athletes are less likely than their non-athlete peers to ask for help when navigating mental health challenges; in one study from UM + NCAA, less than 10% of student-athletes sought help when they needed it. Can you imagine that being the case for physical injuries?

Athletes who are healthy - mind, body, spirit - can perform at higher levels with greater levels of fulfillment.

I still won gold, sure. And for years I thought that mental illness was just the price one had to pay to get to the top.

It’s not.

That’s just one of the lies of the inner critic. I won in spite of those challenges.

I can only wonder what would have happened if I had fueled my body properly; if I hadn’t rejected my asthmatic lungs and actually used my inhalers to breath; if I had allowed myself to let love + joy in just how far + fast I could’ve gone.

Beyond that, I wonder what would’ve happened if after arriving on campus - fresh off the Sydney Games - my college coach hadn’t Noticed and hadn’t sent me to the office of Greg Harden for help.

I’m not sure I’d be here today.

And, sharing + writing + doing this work: it’s not about me.

Shattering the stigma around mental health challenges requires a cultural shift at all levels - within organizations, teams and individuals.

We all have a role to play.

We don’t have to be a licensed mental health professional to recognize and respond to youth who may be navigating a mental health or substance use challenge.

We do need the skills and support.

The need has never been greater.

Coaches are asking for help. Parents too.

(Zoom into the picture above that captures their words)

Athletes are sharing stories and media outlets are amplifying their voices.

Stories are powerful. And. We can’t stop there. Dismantling the stigma requires additional action.

There are people doing the helping.

I’m honored to be one of those people.

I’ve built my business in response to the mental health crisis we’re navigating - providing pillars of support to organizations, teams and individuals to elevate mental health and improve performance.

One of those pillars is helping coaches and parents to recognize and respond to athletes who may be struggling with mental health challenges:

I’ve teamed up with two incredible women, Lynn Hennighausen, M.S. + National Trainer of Mental Health First Aid and Dr. Kate Kilty, to co-found WholeHealth Sport to speak truth to stigma, educate, equip, empower and support - to improve the quality of the sport experience.

We’re stronger together.

Our goal is to reach one million athletes.

There’s a new way of leading. You in?

Let’s do this:

Here’s how:

1. Find a training date that works for you: www.samanthalivingstone.com/mentalhealth Become certified in Mental Health First Aid.

2. Get in the game with the Coaches2Coaches Network or Parents2Parents Community. Link arms with a growing group from across the globe who are committed to being the change while also honoring and elevating their own wellbeing.

3. Invite others to join you.

If you’re not directly involved in sport and want to help, please share this far + wide.

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Our next MHFA training for coaches is on Sunday, 12/6 from 4:00 PM ET to 8:30 PM ET.

Our first (of many) training for parents is on Monday, 12/7 from 4:00 PM ET to 8:30 PM ET.

Certification is valid for three years. C2C membership included.

If you’re interested in bringing Mental Health First Aid to your organization and/or you’re in a position to sponsor a coach - please connect with Samantha over here.

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We’re already making an impact — here are some testimonials from coaches who’ve already stepped up + in to the C2C Network:

Samantha Arsenault Livingstone is an Olympic gold medalist, high-performance consultant, speaker and mental health advocate. In 2016, Samantha founded Livingstone High Performance and the Whole Athlete Initiative (the WAI) in response to the mental health crisis impacting adolescents across the globe. LHP provides pillars of support to organizations, teams and individuals to elevate mental health and improve performance. 

In addition to private and group coaching, Samantha consults with teams and organizations on athlete wellness initiatives, leadership, strategic planning, rising skills and developing high-performance cultures. She is a certified instructor of Mental Health First Aid for adults working with youth and a facilitator of Mindful Sports Performance Enhancement. 

Samantha is the founder and facilitator of two, multi-module online courses, the Rise Free Academy and Ride the Wave — inspiring, empowering and equipping others with the skills + supports needed to become more mindful, courageous, resilient leaders.

Samantha and her husband, Rob, live in New England with their four daughters. To learn more about her offerings, go over to www.samanthalivingstone.com.