Releasing the Right Way

Fifteen months ago, our lives were thrown into complete chaos. Many of us were forced to face death and loss up close. All of us were thrust into the depths of uncertainty. In some capacity or another, we were all touched - our beliefs challenged.

Our experiences are real and valid.

The emotions we feel are real and valid.

As I’ve learned on this healing journey – the trauma we experience + hard things we navigate may not be our fault; healing is our responsibility.

Both can be true.

When we’re brave enough to step into this space between, beyond the all-or-nothing based beliefs, we find our way.

It’s not easy. It is possible.

When my 12 mo. old daughter sat in the space between life and death for seven grueling days, my all-or-nothing view of the world shattered. There was no simple storyline. No clear cut answers. Nothing made sense.

It was messy and brutal and hard and complicated – and felt nearly impossible to see clearly.

I franticly grasped for answers and promises that she’d be OK – in the eyes of the nurses, tone of the doctor’s delivery; I searched everywhere, desperately wanting someone to tell me it was all going to be OK.

With the window of days on life support dwindling, her medical team trialed her off support. On that day, her body wasn’t ready; she failed the test. Then came the conversations with the end-of-life care team.

I don’t remember what the hospital chaplain said to me, I just remember feeling both completely unraveled and held.

I wanted to run and stay.

I didn’t want to be there and there was no place else I wanted to be.  

There was no trying harder to fix things.

There was no Right Way to show up that would get me the outcome I wanted.

I unclenched my hands and softened my body, realizing in that moment, standing by her bedside in the dark void of uncertainty there was nothing ‘out there’ that was going to bring me internal peace.

Whether intentional or not, I dropped the enormous weight and discomfort of not-knowing.

I couldn’t hold it any longer.

I accepted what was, in that moment.

I surrendered.

As much as I wanted to run from that moment and honestly, run from life, I stayed present in the space between choosing hope over and over again.

Because hope is a choice.

At 3 AM the following morning, our baby girl turned a corner. Her heart wiring came back online and the next test off life support was her last. With time, her heart grew stronger.

Mine has been forever changed.  

 It’s a moment we talk about openly this home. We are deeply grounded in gratitude for our time here on this earth and understand that there are no guarantees.

 Given that perspective, I find comfort in using my core values as a compass.

Seeking clarity; releasing the need for certainty.

I find clarity in asking myself:

How do I want to spend my time here?

Gone are the days of self-betrayal for another’s comfort - which was never actually mine to control.

Gone are the days of beating myself up for being human.

I find myself returning to a series of questions that help me stay grounded and tethered to what matters most:

 When I find myself righteous with anger,

I ask myself what’s stirring inside of me.

When I find myself judgmental of others,

I ask myself what’s needing attention.

When I find myself gripped by anxiety of not-knowing,

I ask myself what can I control.

When I find myself overwhelmed by stressors,

I ask myself what’s the next best step.

When I find myself worried about the judgement of others,

I ask myself what I’m seeking.

When I find myself frozen in fear,

I ask myself what’s the worst-case scenario.

 Our emotions are internal messengers; they are neither good nor bad. They simply are.

 Learning how to regulate our inner world is critical to connection - which is what we’re longing for as humans:

To love + be loved. To know + be known. To see + be seen.

To know we matter.

 As we reemerge, may we hold our humanness close.

 May we learn to honor our emotions and regulate them.

May we grow more self-aware of the places and spaces we get hooked.

May we learn how to release and anchor into what matters most.

May we be brave enough to examine our own beliefs.

May we be strong enough to release judgement and pick up curiosity.  

 Healing is hard – and it’s so damn worth it.

We can do this kind of hard.

Samantha Arsenault Livingstone is an Olympic gold medalist, high-performance consultant, speaker and mental health advocate. In 2016, Samantha founded Livingstone High Performance and the Whole Athlete Initiative (the WAI) in response to the mental health crisis impacting adolescents across the globe. LHP provides pillars of support to organizations, teams and individuals to elevate mental health and improve performance. 

In 2020, Samantha co-founded WholeHealth Sport to equip coaches and parents with the training, skills and support needed to change the narrative, culture and game regarding mental well-being in sport.

In addition to private and group coaching, Samantha consults with teams and organizations on athlete wellness initiatives, leadership, strategic planning, rising skills and developing high-performance cultures. She is a certified instructor of Mental Health First Aid for adults working with youth and a facilitator of Mindful Sports Performance Enhancement. 

Samantha and her husband, Rob, live in New England with their four daughters. To learn more about her offerings, go over to www.samanthalivingstone.com.